Controlled separations are a new approach to dealing with marital issues that has gained popularity over the last couple of years. The ultimate objective of controlled separation is to recover the marriage by working alongside a counselor to create a separation agreement with distinct regulations.
Controlled separation enables couples that are going through marital problems to live separate from one another and, despite that, negotiate and work towards discovering solutions to their marital problems. It has been reported to be effective when one spouse was inflexible concerning getting divorced. Putting distance between the spouses and individually working with a counselor helps couples see things from a different point of view.
There are always regulations to follow that are written up in contract form. The regulations depend on the individual couple and what challenges they are faced with. The following are examples of basic regulations a controlled separation agreement could include.
Controlled Separation Agreement Regulations
- Set a time frame for the separation. It is suggested 3 to 6 months, but couples have the choice to set any limit the wish on the time period for their controlled separation.
- Neither of the spouses will file for divorce. It is agreed that neither of the spouses are going to file for divorce throughout the specified time frame. And, when that becomes a choice for one spouse, a divorce is not going to not be filed without first discussing it with the other.
- One spouse will move out of the home. Spouses decide who is going to move out of the home. If possible, the spouse that earns more should move out.
- Finances are divided during separation. All capital should be divided in a fair and just way. Throughout a controlled separation, there are two households to financially maintain. It’s important that both spouses feel confident with their financial status during the separation.
- Concentration on the children’s welfare. The children should not be disregarded in any shape or form. There should be a routine visitation arrangement and when agreed upon between spouses, family excursions with the children.
- How private the separation is going be. The agreement as to who gets told what and who is not. To reduce hostility or growing conflict the spouses need to agree about what is said concerning their separation and who the details get shared with. There should be a stipulation that addresses precise words to be used by each of the spouses when they explain the separation to others. This keeps down the potential of the separation becoming a “he said, she said” situation.
- When and how often is going to time be spent with one another? when the couple wants to spend time with one other outside of the counselor’s office this can be arranged. Dinners with each other where the marital problems are not going to be talked about can usually help spouses reconnect emotionally. Time spent together as a family can help prove to the children that they are still loved by both of their parents.
- Would there be intimacy throughout the separation? If they are going to continue with the sexual relationship it should be talked about. Each of the spouses should be on the same page concerning sexual activity during their separation. It is not healthy to pressure sexual activity on one or the other spouse.
- When is the separation going to end? It is going to be decided if one spouse can conclude the contract or they both have to come to an agreement concerning the end of the agreed upon separation. Optimally, both spouses are going to agree on a time period and that no divorce is going to be filed at that time. The purpose is to attempt to save the marriage so, that and not divorcing needs to be the goal.
In What Way Does Controlled Separation Help?
The below list outlines some of the benefits of controlled separations and a coordinated separation agreement.
- Ends the fighting.
- Provides each spouse with the space needed to cool down.
- Stops the spouses from acting impulsively
- Spouses get to take a shot with living by themselves and having more freedom.
- An opportunity to grow and assess your role concerning the marital issues.
- An actual test of how you feel about your spouse once you aren’t seeing them on a regular basis.
- If the spouses do not reconcile it provides them with the opportunity to prepare for an amicable divorce.
Meyer, C. (2018, March 7). What are the benefits of a controlled separation? LiveAbout. Retrieved January 26, 2022, from https://www.liveabout.com/what-is-a-controlled-separation-1103153
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